sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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