I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
