soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
