i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize