Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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