Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
