Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
