I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Randomize
