dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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