I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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