Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
