My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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