Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
