Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
