god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Randomize
