I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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