I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
