It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
