look no pants
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The struggles of a small town man whore
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
