If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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