I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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