Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
