Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Text me some of your sweat
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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