i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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