I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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