it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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