I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
