Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
