I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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