No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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