my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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