When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
