My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
