I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
