the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
