We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize