you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
