It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Randomize
