im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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