are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
50% drunk capacity currently
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
