life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
