DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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