Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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