so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
We left the knife in your bed.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize