At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
