R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
