he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
