My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
