It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize