Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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