never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
