Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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