Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
