You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
3pm strippers are depressing
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just high enough for therapy.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
