He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
