I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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