I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
