Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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